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2002-11-11 - 11:02 p.m. I have realized that what I want I will probably never get, but what I need has always been there... I have always wanted someone to care about me, to love me. I've always had a dream of just having some one like that, and it couldn’t be just anyone I loved him and he loved me back (yes I am talking about LOVE), for me that's what would make me happy. I've gone through things with guys since I started being unhappy. I went through one of the toughest times with Eric (the worst mistake of my life) and I am still working on Nate (the best thing that has ever happened to me). I have had a crush on Nate for four years and I thought it was going somewhere but he doesn’t like me. We are still great friends and I love him to death I just wish that I would face reality you know? Nate has changed me, without even knowing it; in my opinion I wouldn’t be the same person if I hadn’t of met him or care about him as much as I do. Nate taught me to think rationally and not like my sister (my sister is one of those kids parents dread because she screws up on a daily basis). Besides Nate and Eric there has bee n other guys I just neglect to mention them to anyone I know. But Eric, Nate, “love” is what I have always wanted but I realize I already have it. I have my mom and dad, my best friends Amy Orchard and Nate Larson, along with my other really close friends, Edward Larson, Vanessa Miranda, Christopher Edberg, Adam Franklin, Jer Larson, and Brandon miller, (you may notice most of them are guys, I have troubles getting along with girls). I have other friends these are just the friends I trust with everything, the people who know me better than I know me, the people that actually care. I may not have the kind of love I want but I feel so lucky to have friends like them. The love I want will come in due time but family and friends like them are so incredibly rare to find. (And to all my friends who are not on my list and are mad at me, it’s not that I don’t consider you a friend it’s just that I don’t feel as close to you as I do them and I can share everything with them and I might still be a little unsure about you but I still care and I still consider you my friend). These people are the only reason I am happy at all, sometime it just seems like having them there makes my life easier and better. I leave all of you with just one thing just because you want it doesn’t mean you need it to continue living and I promise everything you want will come in due time you just have to continue waiting for you’re time. What else, what else, Well I spent Saturday night at Amy's house; her parents took Amy, nikki, Ashley, Adam, and me to the cocky bull. Nikki, Amy, and I were trying to make Adam nervous so we kept staring him down, he would get so nervous he face would turn red. Then we rented movies and went home to watch them. Then Sunday morning nikki and I went to church with Amy and her family; (I actually like going to church with them funny huh?) I would like to say something to you Ashley, I know you and Adam like each other a lot, so why do you flirt with so many people? You are always talking about how hot this guy is or how hot that guy is. You are always complaining about him flirting with people or (me) but it is okay for you to, it doesn’t seem fair to me. Please don’t hurt him he doesn’t need or deserve it.
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