2002-12-23 - 10:57 a.m.

Let me catch you guys up at least the one’s who don’t already know. Well recently I was kind of forced to make a decision, a decision on who I wanted to be with. well my main choices were Brandon (one of my really close friends), and Pax (a guy I really liked but broke up with over the fact of my decision. well when I tried to make my decision I found out things I didn’t care to know such as Brandon is still madly in love with Kim, and pax well he was dating someone else at the same time he was dating me. so you can see how well that helped me make my decision. then one day I went over to Brandon's house and missy was there.(missy was dating a guy I liked named Eric and then he started dating me and then he left me because I didn’t put out, we were dating for about a week.) well we started talking and missy told me that everything pax had said to me he had said to her too, like the fact that he liked me so much he would marry me, so once again something bad. I bet you’re thinking right now why believe her right? Well I believe her because when me and Eric were together she use to tell me all this stuff about him and I didn’t believe her and then I found out it all was true, I didn’t stop crying for a month. So I basically ruled pax out but then Brandon would not stop flirting with her she was biting his neck and he didn’t even stop her. So then I made the decision that I wanted to just be alone; I hurt Brandon and pax by doing this. I told Brandon we were too good of friends and pax that I couldn’t go through another Eric it hurt me too much the first time.

Here is the story of Eric and me.

((((It all started when I ask my friend Brandon to bring someone over, anyone I said and he brought this guy named Eric. I thought he was really cute and we spent most of the night flirting we both new we liked each other but in turn denied it when questioned by our friends. He came over a second time with Brandon I was crying because I had just watched pearl harbor and I gave the both of them a big hug when I answered the door in tears. Brandon kept asking if he liked me and he finally admitted to it as did I. he kept on wanting to talk to me but I did not know him so us alone in a room made me a little nervous. I got so nervous I started talking about other guys I liked. He stayed at my house for like three days and on one of them I got the biggest headache ever it hurt so badly that I started to cry. Eric thought I was faking it so I wouldn’t have to talk to him so I in turn thought he was stupid because of that and I was mad at him. The next day I was so entrapped in him and did not want him to ever leave. But he had to go home and I never told him how I felt and I still have never told him the truth why I never made the move I've never told anyone the truth they all think it’s because of Chris. Everyone thinks that I had a bigger crush on Chris at the time so I did not make the move when I wish I would have. He mom yelled at him when he got home and sent him to live with his dad down the hill I did not see him for a long time. Brandon's always had this thing for gothic chicks so he dressed me in gothic clothes one day and we went to the mall Eric just got back from his dads and was now living with his mom again. Brandon and I ran into Casey, crystal, Eric and his new girlfriend missy. I saw him and feeling grew by just one look at him I was thinking of everything I had felt for him on the days he spent at my house. I got butterfly’s I got really nervous and did not know what to say. I sat down on the bench and Eric sat right next to me I got even more nervous when he sat down Eric was kind of flirting with me so missy tried to make me move so she could sit by Eric but Eric told her I did not have to move. That made me feel really good then missy and crystal had to go home so Casey and Eric stayed with Brandon and me. You know those gothic clothes I was telling you about well it was a black mini skirt and I black and red extremely short shirt. Well my shoes kept on coming untied so I would stop to tie my shoe and I would bend strait over in front of Eric to get his attention. We decided to go to toys r us but we had to climb down a hill. I thought I was going to fall so I did not want to walk down it the funny part is they all had tennis shoes on and I had boots. So because I was scared Eric picked me up and carried me the hole way down. It was at that moment it just clicked in my head wow I really like this guy. Then I looked into his eyes and smiled he asked what, I said nothing. I would go to Brandon's house to see him and he would come to my house to see me we both knew we liked each other but could not act on it because he had a girlfriend. I would skip school almost everyday and go to Brandon's to see him or he would meet me for lunch at the college. One day we were at Brandon’s and he kept on saying I was a tease because I would not kiss him or anything, little did he know I was dieing to. So then missy called and wanted to talk to him so he got on the phone and my ride got there so then I just kissed him he was on the phone with missy so he covered it so she could not hear us and we kept kissing he would stop to say yeah and stuff so the he just said tell me a story a really long one. We kept kissing until my parents honked the horn for me to go. He later learned he was getting evicted so he had to go live in Michigan I cried when I found out. Then I got so happy when he said Brandon's parents were going to let him live with them. But I soon had tears again Eric got blamed for something he did not do and couldn’t live there anymore. I helped him move all his stuff back to his house and missy helped too. I guess my foot hit his foot “I didn’t even notice” but missy kicked me for it. Then Leah was walking behind Eric and she kicked her too. Missy was always there it was hard to be alone with him because I wanted to see him as much as I could before he left but so did missy. I helped them move all their stuff instead of going to school and when my mom showed up I gave him a kiss before I had to leave. His mom would always say no purple which meant boys and girls don’t touch because boys are blue and girls are pink when they mix it makes purple. Brad got him and his mom a suite with a Jacuzzi in it the night before they had to leave so that they could relax he asked me to come and brad okayed it but his mom said no but missy can. My parents said he could live with us if he paid rent or helped out around the house. But he said it would be better for him to go because if he left he could break up with missy and when he came back he could be with me. I called him everyday. After like 3 weeks he told me he broke up with her I was excited because he was supposed to come home in like a month and I would get to be with him. Right after his best friend Casey and his other friend Jake kept saying they did not think it would last, his and missy’s break up. Jake saying it did not bother me because I knew he liked me and wanted to get in my pants. Jake and me got on the Internet ant were talking to Eric and Eric threatened to hurt Jake if the thought even crossed his mind to touch me. Then I find out he’s coming home in a few days and I will get to see him I was so excited. Then Casey just kept pushing the fact that he thought they were back together and Jake came over and said “hey did you hear”, and I said what he said Eric did not last and I knew what he meant. I called him and asked and he said no he’s lying but in the back round I heard his mom ask who is on the phone he said my friend. Her voice suddenly got very angered and said it better not be Kasey because you have a girlfriend and you should not be talking to other girls. I said did she just say what I think she said he yelled at her and told her to shut up it wasn’t her business. I said you lied, how could you, why didn’t you tell me, I don’t understand. On that day my heart got broke by the person I love more than anything. Leah came in the house and found me crying I didn’t stop for weeks. He came home and wanted me to go out to dinner with him but missy would be there so automatically I did not want to go. He was supposed to go to his dads so I wanted to see him before he left. He came over and I was the biggest bitch to him. He left the room and went into nikkis. I followed him. He sat down and I asked what was wrong he said I was being mean. I said nothings going to be like it was I am upset you lied to me you should have told me not Jake, Casey, and your mother. We were talking for a while then he gave me one of his looks that he wanted to say something but won’t. I said what he said I want to tell you something but I don’t know how you’ll react. I said just tell me he said no. I begged and got closer “ it’s the only way I can get stuff out of him and that's only because he thinks I'm hot”. I kept getting close I said tell me he said okay I'm getting up now I grabbed his shirt and pulled him on top of me. He tried to kiss me I said no you have to tell me first. He said the only reason he said that was because he knew he could get me in this position. I called him a jerk and then started to laugh. He kept trying to kiss me but I was laughing and I kept moving my head back and forth so he couldn’t. But he caught me and we kissed for a while. Then we went into my room to watch a movie with everyone else. I laid my head on him and nikki gave me a look and called me stupid. I know what I did with him was wrong, he had a girlfriend I shouldn’t let him kiss me and I should not kiss him. But it is so hard to resist someone when you love them. Leah and me were invited out with missy, crystal, Eric, and Casey. So we went I tried to act like I was having fun but I wasn’t I couldn’t even stand next to him, but I was happy because at the end of the night he was coming home with me. He tried to get away from her and talk to me but she was always following him. Eric came to a few of the parties we had, he was always trying to get me drunk. But to tell you the truth I enjoyed it so much just because he was there. One of our parties he brought over some orange cognac I took six shots and I was running into walls all night. He was always protecting me and I loved it. Then I invited him to go to Laughlin with me. He wanted Casey to go so I invited him to. The whole time in Laughlin was great, we got to sleep on the boat although it was uncomfortable, and we got to go on the boat and a lot of other stuff. I have always felt safe with him but the night we slept on the boat he had had a lot of beers and he called me a tease I was trying to sit on him and then the scary thing happened. It scared me because it reminded me of my father, he told me to get the fuck off of him on his tone of voice is what scared me. I did not take him home missy picked him up from Laughlin. He had kept telling me he was going to leave her for me and I believed him so much. We got home and Eric was still here with missy. He said he couldn’t do it because her birthday was coming up witch is understandable. He went home and I called him everyday. Then one day he just said what if I did not break up with her and our conversation led to me crying because he no loner wanted to be with me. I called Leah and was crying on the phone all night. He said he wanted to still be friend I couldn’t do that I said. But I tried anyways I lied to myself saying there was nothing there. I paid 30 dollars to get him to my house and he left here to go be with her. That’s when I thought he’s never going to love me no matter what I do. He was at Casey's for a while and then he called and said I thought we were friends I said we are he said I was avoiding him which I was. I told him to come over then and later that night he did. He walked in and I was biting Chris and for someone who doesn’t care he sure looked hurt I went to him right after. I sat there with him he got on the Internet so I figured he did not want me to look so I left the room for a while. I came back and he was on the phone. He broke up with missy but I did not find out till he told me. He kept trying to talk to me alone but there was nowhere to go. We finally got alone and he ask so what's going to happen now and I said what, he said now that I'm not with missy. I was shocked but happy when I found out. I told him” I said I would wait forever to be with you, so it’s up to you if you want to date me I am totally willing and you’ve always known that” so we got together I got my wish my dream I was finally happy for the first time in a while. Casey, Eric, Brandon, and Chris decided to do some work for my dad so the person I can’t get enough of got to spend night and day here with me. I was excited, thrilled, nothing could have made my day more than that news. A few of the nights he was there he slept with me in my bed and I loved it so much. It gave me my peace I had wanted my happiness I needed. Then Eric, Casey, Brandon, nikki, tiff, my mom, my dad, and me all went to Knott's. I was so happy because I got to spend more time with him. I was supposed to get I souvenir I couldn’t find one but on the way out I found a place that could put your name on rice and put it on a necklace. I got Eric's name and mine put on it and I put a flower in it too. I never took it off. Nikki had to go to the college so I went to see him it made my day. I spent my time with him whenever I could because the only time I am happy is when I am with him. The next day Mitch, Eric and Brandon came over, picked me up and we went bowling I had so much fun, I lost but I had fun. We then went back to Brandon's where Brandon and Eric went to sleep, Mitch played games, and I laid down with Eric. Mitch got up and left the room I thought he was going to the bathroom, but he left and I had to home in an hour and a half. So Eric got up and gave me Mitch's number I called him and he took me home. I called him later and he was not there he went to missy’s witch he had been doing so I did not think anything of it. He got home and called me and he told me he still had feelings for missy and that she made him happier. I told him “you needed to be happy and I loved you but don’t stay with me to make me happy when your not happy, because it will hurt even more knowing you don’t care you just want to make me happy.” I could never sit there and watch him be unhappy I love him too much to do that. I said to him “ just do me one favor before you go home come and see me” he said he would. At 11:30 Eric and Mitch came over to my house and it was too late so they stayed the night. I knew I was going to get in trouble but I had to see him even tough it hurt to see him. All night I wanted to kiss him and I wanted to tell him I loved him, and I wanted to cry. He went home the next day and is now at his grandparents, I e-mail him everyday I always write that I love him at the end of every e-mail. To whoever is reading this I loved him and still do love him with all my heart and if there was anything I could do to change his feelings for me I would. But I will never just sit by and watch him be unhappy because if you love someone you will never let them be unhappy. At the time if I could I would have given him the world. I probably left out a few things but oh well.))))

Then here's where I become a bitch well the next day I start dating someone else, and I didn’t even like him that much. The next day I realized what an ass I was and broke up with him. So I have been trying to make things up to Brandon and Pax but Pax treated me like I was lower than dirt and I don’t blame him. But then I find out he only tells girls what they want to hear he tells me one thing, Amanda another, and missy another, so then it didn’t bother me that much any more. Then I started with Brandon, he is always saying how much he likes me but he basically blew me off for Kim this weekend so yeah. Well this is enough reading for now so I'll write more later

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